So, I woke up at 6am today feeling incredibly anxious.
It feels like there's a million things on my to-do list and no matter how much I read or type, or study, or plan nothing ever gets crossed off my list.
My theory is that this anxiety has a lot to do with where I am in life. Vague enough for you?
It seems like I am at a point where things are seriously starting to matter. I feel like the decisions I make now are the ones that are going to truly affect my future (at least more so than the decisions I made when I was 16). I feel like I'm really growing up. Graduation is less than a year away. There's so much uncertainty that comes with it (I'm a worrier, it's just what I do). I know I should be thinking about writing papers and studying for tests, but most of my time is spent (at least lately) wondering what I should do next. What do I want to do when I grow up? The job market is so scary, but the thought of even more time spent in school (and even more student loans) is also pretty scary.
Tomorrow is my birthday and for the first time, I'm not super excited about it. I'll be 23 and while I know that it's still very young, I never really imagined myself being 23. 23 is such a grown up number. (I feel like an adult finally, instead of a 17 year old trying to pass as 23 to get into a bar.) I'm an adult. It's strange. I'm in control of my own life. I guess that's where I'm feeling the pressure. 23 seems like some huge crossroads. Like it's now or never. I won't get another chance to do things right or differently. Like I have to work on everything right this instant: I need to learn to live a healthy lifestyle, have a Biblically sound marriage (is "Biblically" even a word?), be out of debt, know what I want to do with my life, know the exact steps to take to get all of these things, have a 4.0 this semester, grow in my faith, network to find a job/get into grad school, keep in touch with old friends, keep in touch with current friends, be a good wife/daughter/sister/niece/aunt/friend/student/role-model.... It seems like everything is piling up. And it all has to be done NOW!
And that's a lot of pressure.
Do you ever feel this way? How do you handle your anxiety?
I always got like that when I was still in school. I've been better post-grad. All I can tell you to do is talk about the stress (even blog) and pray about it. And read Philippians 4. =)
ReplyDeleteReading that has made me feel a little anxious too. But, I do know the feeling and I have told Jeremy this so many times, that in 2 years Keylan will turn 1, Shiana will turn 4 I will be graduating school, packing up and moving back(HAVE to find a good school and that is where we will move, furthest away is Sylacauga and it is only an hour compared to 24), then when we get home we have to find a place to live, get Shiana registered for Kindergarten, find me a job, Keylan into daycare and Jeremy into school. That there is my stressors on top of nerves come clinical time. Don't you hate that grown up feeling..I wish I could be a teenager again but geez now I have two kids that are growing up on me way to fast. But you will make it through and hopefully I'll survive here till May 2012
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are feeling this way! It was so easy being a teenage (but at the time it felt hard) - not having to worry about adult things. But, at the same time it is so much fun being an adult! I am 25, have a great job that I love (most days), have a house, and a great family - life is good. But, just last year I felt the exact same as you do now, I was finishing up my master's degree while working and finding/closing our house. I felt so overwhelmed and like life was never going to "fall into place." So, I guess what I am trying to say is, it will all work out for the best and someday your to-do list will be done! :)
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